Pedi-Cure

Well, the last time I wrote I was on my way to Sweden. I have returned…and I am in one piece.
I have to say that flying internationally sure beats flying in this country. On international flights, not only do they give you free booze (a benefit with which I was unable to partake) but they keep you fed the entire time. No need to purchase overpriced food in the airport before your flight or to stuff your carry on bag with the more economically priced snacks that you brought from home. You know what I mean…the NutraGrain bars, the Doritos, the trail mix, etc.
You simply get on the plane with the guarantee that you will not be starving. I mean they even give you food if you fly at times that aren’t considered meal times. I had a 3:00pm flight and I got a full meal including desert, bread and a side of cheese. (Again, I couldn’t take advantage of that nice morsel of cheese-a food with which I have a secret love affair- because they tell pregnant women not to eat soft, unpasturized cheeses like Feta-something about possible bacteria). But I sure grubbed down on all the other stuff.

The conference was really nice too. The food was really good except for an evening when dinner consisted of reindeer (yes, Rudolph) cooked in four or five different ways. Blah! WAY TOO GAMEY! And I can usually eat gamey meats like lamb, deer (not rein), goat in some dishes, duck, etc. But this was off-the-chain gamey. Wild, and sweaty, man. It tasted like the Discovery channel would taste, if it were a food. Not to be gross, but I think I got the runs from it. I was visiting the toilet quite often for a 24 hour period.

So, I met people from all over the world. Australia, Russia, Italy, Hong Kong, London and Germany just to name a few. Everyone spoke English to one degree or another. And everyone was really friendly.
My roommate was a girl from Italy. Giovanna Santamaria. She was so sweet and she didn’t snore or fart.
And despite all the drinking going on, there was no real craziness to speak of. Evertone handled themselves very maturely.
I learned one interesting fact…..Russians wear their wedding rings on their right fingers. A ring on the left finger actually signifies the death of a spouse.

So now, on Saturday we were all given the option to do one of many activities….like skiing or snowmobile or ice fishing. I chose dog sledding as I think I had mentioned before. It was a’ight but I thought for sure we would be seeing some beautiful Swedish landscape. Instead, it was more like a snowy desert. Basically vast flatness. No mountains, no bodies of water, no trees, no coyotes, nothing.
There were two people sitting on each sled plus the dude standing on the back driving the sled. There were 8 dogs pulling each sled. Oh, and the dogs were shitting as there were running. How wonderful!
And my the worst part is that it was cold! no, wait not cold….negative 2 degrees Fahrenheit! MmmHmm! I’m saying some guys had ice in their beards and the dogs had frost all over their fur. Not kidding!
I piled on the clothes and I thought I was good to go. And actually I was fairly warm from head to ankle. For my feet I was sporting two pairs of pretty thick socks and my Timberland boots which really do the trick when it gets cold in NY. But nonetheless, my poor little toes were freaking freezing. I was seriously fearful that I was going to have black (well blacker) frostbitten toes that would be left behind when I pulled my feet out of my boots. My toes were so cold they were hot! Burning like fire. I kept trying to tuck them underneath me and wiggle them around to try and create some heat but it didn’t help at all.
And that stupid Swedish fool who was driving the sled kept saying, “We’ll be to the cabin soon.”
So I’m thinking, “Ah, when we get there I’ll warm my feet up and it’ll all be good. Just hold on a few more minutes now toes, everything will be all right. There’s going to be a fireplace or a heater, warm water, and if I’m lucky they may even sell some of those self-heating toe warmers. And although I don’t have any money, I’ll borrow some or steal them. Hey, this is about survival. I need my toes to walk. I’ll pray about the thievery later.”
So finally we pull up to this so called toe-saving “cabin” and I was so relieved.
My toes, they would be spared! Given another chance at life. I wouldn’t take them for granted anymore.
And instead of opening the nice warm cabin door and letting us all in, they pour some coffee and put it on the stairs. Um, excuse me! What’s this shit? Where’s the fire?
I don’t need coffee, unless I can pour it on my toes!
So why the fuck did this dog-mushing dude keep talking about the cabin as if it was the holy grail? Boy was I pissed. And cold!
Finally, we got back to the lodge and I am happy to report, although they were cold, my toes were still attached. I ran them under warm water for 15 minutes and they were like new. Thank the Lord!

Then I polished them with "Cherries in the Snow" red O.P.I. nail polish. Seriously.